Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
