Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
