im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Redeem this text for a blowjob
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
