I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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