just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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