is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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