How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
