im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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