I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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