I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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