Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
