every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
