Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I want to fling myself into the sun
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize