She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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