i think my tv is drunk
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize