I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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