I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
