Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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