if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
