I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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