i think i have two assholes
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
