Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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