she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
