Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
