I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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