My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
