I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think a kid would responsible me up
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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