OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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