My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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