the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
