Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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