John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
