Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Randomize
