she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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