My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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