i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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