I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
