So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize