Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
