Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
