a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
