I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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