cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
