Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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