So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
