i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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