if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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