I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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