it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
