That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
