You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
