Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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