You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
