If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We are all done wearing pants today
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
