we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
