i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
