When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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