can we get nightvision for the apartment?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
