He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
