As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's never too late to be topless.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
