i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize