my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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